My Problem with Grocery Shopping

Yesterday I went grocery shopping after work.  I despise shopping for groceries immensely (this is a kind of nice way to say I freaking hate it).  Seriously, I have been known to put off grocery shopping and just eat kraft singles cheese slices with mustard for dinner.  When I lived with roommates in college I used to steal their food but just a little bit at a time so that they didn't catch on and most of the time I just stole their stale crackers and things that they probably wouldn't even notice missing.  It wasn't because I couldn't afford food (I actually worked full time for most of college at a restaurant so I made a good amount of money but of course I didn't save any of it I just spent it all on clothes and alcohol and occasionally food) it was just because I hate it.  

Whenever I go grocery shopping I have to make myself go right after work before I even go home and feed Marley because if I go home then I will sit down on the couch and then I will start watching TV and then I'll take a nap and then I'll just say 'fuck it, I'll get groceries tomorrow', only tomorrow the same thing will happen.  The problem with going at this time is that, apparently, it's prime shopping time because there are always a million people at the grocery store and the moms always bring their 9 kids with them who pick everything up with their gross, sticky hands and run into my shopping cart and just get in the way.  

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If I need to go down a certain aisle and I notice that there are 4 or more people with carts already in that aisle, I skip it.  This results in me having to remember to go back to that aisle in the end and since I always just want to get out of there as soon as humanly possible, I always forget things.  

Seriously, I always forget something.

The type of grocery shopper I hate most, even more than the little wild children, is the one who is so unaware of everything around her.  She has her cart parked horizontally in the middle of the aisle while she is making the huge life decision of which type of mayonnaise she should buy and she is unaware of me, the power shopper who is just trying to grab the first bottle of ranch she sees and get the hell out of dodge but I am stopped abruptly by her cart and since I am not rude and don't want to move it myself I politely udder, 'excuse me' but she doesn't hear me so I say it again louder and that catches her attention and she giggles and slowly moves her cart so that I can get by and I smile back at her and then mutter 'stupid b-word' under my breath as I race by her. 

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Why does she ^^ look so happy...oh because she actually made a list.

I'm also always hungry at this time so I always end up buying crap that I don't even need or want because it looked good at the moment because I haven't eaten since lunch and my stomach is grumbling and I end up with fig newtons and I have never liked fig newtons so why did they look good to me today?

I always try to make small talk with the cashiers while they are checking me out because it's kind of an awkward time.  Most grocery store cashier hate their lives (from my experience) and they do not want to talk to the 20 something year old girl-woman who is spending almost as much on alcohol as she is spending on actual food.  Every once in a while I get a really nice cashier though and I am so thankful for those times.  A couple of weeks ago a woman asked me for my idea while ringing up my boat load of alcohol, she looked at my picture, and said 'beautiful', and I blushed and thanked her but realized she didn't speak much English so maybe she didn't really mean it but she smiled at me a lot and it wasn't in a creepy, I want to skin you and make a suit out of it and wear it around my house while I watch Lifetime movies and drink your blood kind of way.  It was genuine.

Then there's the excitement of finding a parking spot that is close to my apartment, which never happens on the days when I go grocery shopping.

I also always magically turn into the hulk when I load all of my shopping bags on my arms and trudge down my sidewalk looking like a penguin walking for the first time, all unbalanced and waddle-like.  Then I have to unlock two sets of doors, which takes all of the strength in my body to lift my arm and put the key in the door while trying not to drop the 40 bags loaded on that one arm.  Then I have to go up to the 3rd floor and then I have to not kick my dog in the face when he jumps up on me because he is always waiting right at the door for me and when he sees the groceries he doesn't care that I'm in pain, he just knows that there is probably something in there for him.  And then I collapse on the floor, sweating and panting.  I always amaze myself with how much strength I muster up when I have to carry my groceries inside.  

Then as I'm putting groceries away I'm slowly realizing how I need to start making a list because I bought so much crap that I don't need and forgot things that I actually need, like toilet paper and cheese.  Last night I forgot paper towels.

Then after all of this I decide I need a drink to reward myself for surviving yet another grocery shopping adventure.  Last night I bought apple cider and gingerale because I knew we had bourbon at home and I wanted to mix those 3 things and make a delicious fall drink.  So I search for the bourbon, I search for about 20 minutes (maybe not 20 but at least 5) and realize that we must have drank it all because it is nowhere to be found.  Whatever, I'll use rum.  I pour a little rum in my glass and get out my apple cider.  When I open that baby up, it doesn't smell like apples, it smells like lemons.  It's lemonade/ice tea.  Eff.  So since I had already poured the rum and that wouldn't be good mixed with lemonade/iced tea, I topped it off with gingerale.  And it left me very unsatisfied.

Going to the grocery store.  First world problems.

XO. Tarah